Why I walk

I really have to get going in a few minutes, but I think I have a little time to answer any questions you may have.

Some of you—many of you, in fact—have asked me why I walk.

Why I walk. Now, this is something that is both easy and difficult to answer. I’ll start with the easy. Actually, no, I’ll start with the difficult.

A long time ago, when I was very young, we—my family and I—lived in a very nice neighborhood in a small town not too far from here. It was safe, well-lit, and filled with old people. Now, I don’t have a problem with old people. My parents are pretty old, as a matter of fact, and they give me no problems at all! Ha ha!

But really, old people are fine. They’re the salt of the earth, and I look up to them as the elderly that they are. They give good advice, although they can be a bit quick to judge. And I like their sense of style. Often when I see one of those old-timers with his plaid shorts hitched up and belted above his belly roll, I come up behind him and say, “Hey Pops! Nice chicken legs!” And we both have a good laugh about it, and I help him up.

Where was I? Well, this neighborhood had one resident that was a little problematic for us kids. Mrs. Kleff. She was either a widow or an old maid. Or an orphan. But whatever her marital status, she was mean. She once threw a rock at my sister and chipped her tooth. It’s true that my sister had thrown a garden gnome at Mrs. Kleff, but Mrs. Kleff didn’t have any teeth to speak of, and therefore was a low risk for dental injuries. My sister had to wear a homemade cap on her tooth for three months before my parents could afford to send her to a dentist for a real cap. And after that long, Wrigley’s gum does not come off easy.

Well, one summer’s day my brother went into Mrs. Kleff’s yard to drink from her hose. I think you know where this is going. What is wrong with old people, anyway? Have they forgotten what it's like to be young? Do they not understand the dangers of standing hose water? Are they so bitter about their dried-up youth that they see violence as their only option?

I'm sorry. Can you give me a moment?

Thanks. I also told you that I'd give you the easy answer to why I walk. And that is, I'm doing this for the children.

Thanks to all my sponsors, and to the lady back there who gave me a water jug for my journey. The container is kind of dented, though. Could one of you get me a fresh bottle of water? I like the kind with a bit of flavoring, but not too much. I suppose you could call me a purist!

Thanks again, and now, I really have to get going.