This weekend I was driving through the CD and saw a sofa by the curb and decided to take a look. It was a nice, neutral color, which I like. I hate that cabbage rose and Wedgwood blue shit. The upholstery had a little tear at the back, but only about 4 inches long. And that's the side that faces the wall, so, really, who cares? Really--who? So I called a friend and said, I'll buy you a Coke if you come over with your pickup. He's a real Coke whore, a real cheap son of a bitch, so getting him to get off his ass, leave his TV for an hour, and drive to the CD was no big deal.
When we got back to my place and parked in the alley behind my building, there was a homeless guy who asked if we needed help unloading and moving the sofa, and I said, sure, dude, I'll give you a Coke. Really, the plan was to just give him a small cup of Coke, because if my friend was doing all that driving and hauling for a full can, it would be pretty unfair and offensive to him to give the homeless guy an entire can of his own. It didn't matter anyway, because the homeless guy said "Fuck you!" when I made the offer, and went off down the alley to look for some sucker who'd give him, I don't know, THREE Cokes or something for moving an ironing board.
We had a hell of a time getting the sofa up the four flights to my apartment. It was really a pain in the ass, and my friend kept saying, "Geez, I could really use a Coke about now," but I wasn't going to let the cow get his milk for free, so I just told him to stop dropping the goddamn sofa every five steps and get moving.
It took awhile to find the perfect spot in my living room. First we put it on the west wall, which has the most space. But it didn't look right there. So I had my friend move it to the east wall, which took him quite awhile, because he had to get it over the top of the old sofa, which we'd moved to the middle of the room to keep out of the way.
But the east wall has all my art on it, and some of the paintings are hung at a level below the back of the sofa. Did I really want to measure the space and plan new nail holes? No. Because I wouldn't just have to move my set of 3 dead game bird still lifes (oils, of course; great detail! I got them at an art show at the airport Red Lion)--I'd have to move every single goddamn painting. In addition, my TV is hung on that wall, surrounded by the art. If I moved the art, I'd have to move the TV, and that means hammering through the plaster in another spot so that TV is partially recessed into the wall as it is now. Have you ever done plaster work? It's a major pain in the ass.
So then I had my friend move it to the south wall, but that's underneath the windows, and I was worried about the upholstery fading. I think I've already said that the upholstery is a really nice neutral color. In my experience, if neutral fades, it look less neutral, and more vibrant. And I hate vibrant. I like colors that resemble things you kind find in nature, like rocks, or dead game birds.
By now he was all "A Coke would be really refreshing about now," and I told him to cool his jets. So I said I'd like to see the sofa against the west wall, and he was all, that's-where-we-had-it-in-the-first-place, and I was all, do-you-want-your-fucking-Coke-or-not, so he lifted the sofa over the old sofa again, and put it on the west wall. It then occurred to me that the west wall was the perfect spot, as a radiator is on that wall, and I can lie on the sofa with my feet at the radiator end and they'll stay nice and toasty.
It was time to try it out. I sat on the sofa, where I could admire my art collection and see the TV. Then I got up, went to the opposite wall, and looked at the new sofa. I couldn't really get a good idea of how it looked with the old sofa in the way, so I had my friend move it to the hallway. That was much better. The sofa looked great! I was pretty satisfied with all our effort.
After my friend took the old sofa down the stairs and put it in the back of his truck to haul to the dump, I opened one of the alley-side windows on my floor to give him his Coke. "Here ya go!" I called out, and tossed him the can. He was tying the old sofa down with ratchet straps, and didn't move fast enough to catch it, so it fell on the concrete and the pop-tab opened. He was able to get to it before all the contents sprayed out though, and put his whole mouth around the can top to suck out the pressure. I've heard that there's less pressure build-up in room temperature soda vs. cold soda, so I think he got nearly three-quarters of a can.
Back in my apartment, I turned on my TV, grabbed couple of throw pillows, and lay down with my feet propped up on the sofa arm next to the radiator. Wow! What a comfortable piece of furniture--and what a deal. I suppose some people might say that I should use a lint roller on the whole thing to get rid of the pet hair, that I should turn over the middle cushion to hide the stain, and that vinegar is good for getting rid of urine odors. To these people I say, "Fuck off," because you can't fix something that ain't broke, and you can't break a free lunch.
