America is a Fancy Feast for Chaos

Are you surprised? I’m not. The signs have been there for a long time. FEMA can’t solve this problem. The president and his advisors? Completely ineffectual. And if you think this kind of thing can be solved at the state level—whom are you kidding? You're as helpless as a baby mesmerized by a dangling shiny object. Or a dangling baby.
Face facts. The tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, and other “acts of God” are not caused by God, or “Mother Earth,” “global warming,” or any other origins your pseudo-scientific-Judeo-Hippie mumbo jumbo belief systems can come up with. Disaster kitty is dried up? A media distraction. It's time that we acknowledge our helplessness against these unvanquishable forces that are threatening to destroy Earth, our only home.

Molten, Face-Melting Rock Disaster Kitty
“Volcanic chain hot spots” my ass. See how the lava is beckoned from the caldera with a simple gesture!



Down with America Disaster Kitty
This one loves to destroy Montessori schools, frozen hand-held luncheon pie manufacturing plants, flat-state shopping malls, and other institutions that make our country great.



Shocking Losses Disaster Kitty
Pitting shareholders and environmentalists against each other and watching them claw each other’s eyes out is one of its greatest joys.



Gulf of Woe Disaster Kitty
Swimming in circles at lightning speed, it whips up a furious, frothy whirl of deadly ocean like a tiger wearing pants.



Think this is a new phenomenon? Records in the Los Angeles historical archives will prove you wrong. It’s no coincidence that the last century’s California floods happened around the same time that the Midwest ran out of sand.



The best way to spend our last days would be to eat lots and lots of pie.