Bait

When Janice asked me to go on a cruise with her, I was apprehensive. What about the inevitable weight gain? Would our cabin have a bathroom? Must I talk to people in the buffet line? What if I were swimming in an on-deck pool, and the ship suddenly hit some wild weather, and I was splashed out of the pool into either the ocean or onto some wooden deck chairs?

Once I'd agreed and the ship set out, I was feeling better about it all. There was all the fresh seafood you could eat, and the deck had tons of open space for shuffleboard, although you had to guess where the lines would be because they hadn't painted them on yet. Also, you had to use empty cat-food sized cans for the pucks, and kick them because there was only one broom and it belonged to one of the cooks or something.

As I said, the deck was spacious, and you could really feel the wind in your hair, and also through your swimsuit. There ended up not being a pool, but since it's a cruise, you have to wear a swimsuit at some point. That's what the purser who's always hanging outside our room told us, anyway.

Janice’s and my favorite nightspot was a little bar called "The Boiler Room." I guess because it was darn toasty in there. We'd wear our swimsuits under our clothes, and then strip down. It wasn't the most popular spot; no other passengers ever showed up, but that means that there was always a 5-gallon bucket free to sit on. The waiter always seemed to be "on break," as the bar manager said, but he was nice enough to bring out some great liqueur from his private collection. I think it was something imported and Polish, and he let us drink it right out of the bottle.

Several times a day we'd go up on deck to watch the chef's assistants haul in the catch for dinner. There's no way we could have eaten all the seafood they brought in, and we told them so, but they just kept on pulling in these big nets through enormous winches.

A few days into the cruise, one of the cooks asked us to a special, invitation-only fish fry. Sounds great! But we were kind of disappointed. First of all, the fish wasn't even cooked! And the dining room really stank. I was afraid to say anything, but Janice & I exchanged embarrassed looks.

Apparently there was a dearth of cooks, because Janice & I had to stay down in the dining room for the rest of the cruise cutting up fish, removing the guts, and tossing the fish onto a conveyer belt that must have run to the kitchen. I was kind of resentful about having to do some of the work while other passengers sat in another dining room--which probably didn't smell!--with a cornucopia of delectable seafood gliding by.

The last day of the cruise the gift shop was closed. So for souvenirs, Janice took the shuffleboard broom and The Boiler Room manager's special liqueur. I took a few particularly shiny bolts from the base of the net winch. Now that we're safely back home we can look back on it and laugh about how we'll never go on a cruise again!